Day one at Lilavati. The admission procedure was smooth. Given the fact so many celebrities with ordinary diseases (sprained ankle while killing innocent bystanders after mid-night drinking binge) get admitted here, it is difficult to find place for ordinary people with serious disease. There was some discussion around room availability, but my charm (yeah all with cancer patient look and Arizona cap) won us a good room.
The ho(spital)el is well located. The room has splendid view of Bandra reclaimation and flyover, 24hr hot water, TV, spacious bathroom, full-size mirror, exercise room, personal barber and attendance of pink ladies. In other words an ideal get-away for overworked executive like me. The charges are not very high and generally guests are required to leave behind a body part as tip; prior appointments are recommended.
Hospitals are queer places. Every hour or so a junior doctor walks in and explains you the hazards you are going to face and makes sure that you understand them (make you sign too!).
Doctor1:what’s wrong with you?
Me:well you see there is this tumour...
D1:ok..ok; dr.xxxx would remove that. As part of the procedure, you will have brain damage, liver malfunction, loss of limb, headache and perhaps you will have to leave the country under false identity. Do you agree?
Me: Would I be able change my wife?
D1: No. What do you think this is? We are going to operate on you liver. Wife change requires different procedures..ok enough joking, now sign here and here and put the blood spot here.
Me: What is this one for?
D1: It says that we get to keep your liver and tumour in it if we feel like. Do you want to know anything else?
Me: When is dinner?
D1: No food, liquid diet only (contains no alcohol).
Things happen in repetetive fashion, every doctor explains you the procedures in detail. I joke around but my wife gives me stern looks. An anasthecist walks in,
A: ah, mr. Kulkarni, I will be the anasthecist for you. Do you know what anasthesia is?
Me: no..not really. Is it something that makes you unconcious during surgery?
A: see half knowledge is more dangerous..anasthesia is more of art than science. We make sure you are unconsious and then very cleverly take the bank informtion, ATM pin numbers, password and other personal details so that we can blackmail you once you gain cosiousness.
Me: what about pain?
A: oh you would soon get over it and we never overdraw from our patient's accounts. Besides there would be a catheter in back to continuosly keep you dizzy, so you would never really feel it.
Me: and what if the anasthesia gets over me forever?
A: oh that..don't worry about it, it is called coma and happens to few lucky ones. You see, we are not gods, but we try.
Me: what are those tubes?
A: well.. Let us see, there is nose tube, the neck tube, the lung tube and the catheter and few others that we forgot. But you get used to it. We never keep it more than 6 mths.
Me: would I ever be able to walk again?
A: that depends.. You should drink lot of water, exercise and remember to thank anasthecist instead of the doctor.
I was so scared by this time that it was impossible for me to keep straight face. I signed on all forms and told them that being a poor man I can not really sign on the one which required me to fund fully paid trip to Las Vegas for the ward-boy and his girlfriend. Ward-boy took more humanitarian view and agreed to go to Singapore instead. The doctor was, however pretty crass about compromises, but things being as they are he lumped it.
The nurses apparently are very forgetful, for example, each nurse takes my blood pressure at different times. One of them is called Florine. She made me eat same colored tablet three times in the day. I made a point to repoprt her like flowers or not.
The best part of admission process was the body shaving. I would never have got such a nice brazilian bickini wax so cheap in India ( and barber who explains liver operation to you ).
Barring few gliches the hotel is pretty good. Once the payment of organ parts procedure is finished tomorrow I would have more time to test various facilities (breathing exercises, heard of them?)
Now I must return to my porridge, they tell me that is the star attraction of liquid diet, and helps you forget the suffering of operation. Looks interesting..
No comments:
Post a Comment