Dealing with Death

No matter how many reruns of Lion King you have seen or have really understood the "circle of life", it is always difficult to deal with death when it actually happens. I am particularly intrigued by the fact that even when death happens all around us, we as human beings, never seem to really get handle on reactions. I, for one, don't know how to console people who are trying to come terms with death of someone close or facing it themselves. Consoling oneself about inevitability of death does not really help. You still feel the pain, agony and despair. It is the feeling of loss or "this-is-it" moment that is really difficult to get over. I thought I would get used to it, but even today, when I check the results of my medical tests, the heart stops for a moment or two.

The fact that life (yours or somebody else's) as you know would not be around tonight, tomorrow morning or perhaps forever is very unnerving thought. While it does provide a perspective on corporate deadlines, ".. I want this ready by tomorrow morning!!" (yeah right!), it does not really help in coming to the terms with death. But on the other hand brooding over it does not help either. Then the world would be very gloomy place, everybody constantly worrying about impending doom (and of course deadlines would have no meaning).

Either due to my naivety or "getting-used-to" syndrome, I have a tendency to ignore the pain. As a cancer patient I have been programmed to think positive. I can not keep long face for very long time. The flip side of this is, I can not identify with the agony others go through while coming to the terms with death, neither can I console others. It is difficult situation indeed, I know what it feels like, but can not really tell others what they should do. In many situations I ask them to remember the happy things in their lives. It sounds sappy and even offensive, but it has worked for me many times. Remembering happy things, the smiles, the joys in your life make life worth living and gives you energy to look beyond the obvious inevitability of death. I think the best way to deal with death is focusing more on life. I focus my energy on living everyday, possibly that helps me to stay put for so many years, beating some not-so-obvious medical predictions about my life!

I really don't know how to deal with death or it's after effects, but I guess I know how to deal with life.

America Beacons

What draws people to America? Everybody in the world wants to go to America - the land of honey and gold. Paul Theroux in his The Great Railway Bazaar describes everybody's desire to go to America, from eastern Europe to distant Russian outposts in Siberia. Practically every educated Indian youth wants to go to America and settle there. Is it really the land of honey and gold? Is the dream of work hard and you will get rich (and potential harassment by IRS) so attractive? I remember my brothers and father telling me about attraction to America in 70's and 80's. I am puzzled by this attraction in modern times. The borders are opening and world is becoming more connected (as apparent by the Swine Flu epidemic spread we see now in the world - 168 countries in 2 months). Does America still hold the mass magnate characteristics with its super Walmart and drive-in McDonald?

As for me, I have been practically traveling to America every year for last several years and the things that attract me most are Double Cheeseburger, the cheap coffee, and almost wide open National Parks. Once immediately after landing at O'Hara I rushed to the first McD in sight and ordered a burger. My co-traveller, another Indian, asked about my seemingly apparent craving for beef. I told her it is America I am enjoying, not the beef.

I could never get enough of Starbucks - I always joked about spreading their evil empire around the world. I tried drinking Starbucks in Japan too, but it was not the same. I think it is America with its arrogant service staff (they call you "Sir" when they hate you!), the ignorance of anybody non-white, and general attitude of America the great - makes it worth the effort. I am sure several other people in the world also strive to be part of this great melting pot. That probably explains why McD's at international airports in America run so successfully.

I recently got a letter from US Social Security informing me about my eligibility for disability and medicare benefits based on the taxes I paid few years ago. If for nothing else, I might just go to America to avail those health benefits - I am sure an extra helping of cheeseburger and super size soda would certainly help on the medicare front!

Thank you, but No Thank You!

First reaction for another class reunion - more polite version of "No Thanks". This time it was with bunch of college classmates who claimed to be my friends. They were enthusiastic and polite. A set of people who knew me when I was young and incredulous trying to know me again. Now I am no longer young, just incredulous. Boys mainly spent time in learning about each others work and position in some fictitious hierarchy, girls meek and coy tried to establish a pseudo feminism of “me-too” in the world where their value was sagging. Meeting perfect strangers who knew only part of your life is always overwhelming experience for me. We have nothing in common, no hobbies, no relations, no references – the only thing common is that we spent considerable time together in a large building campus known as college. Most of that time was spent on ogling at girls and/or competing with each other for marks.

These people were supposed to vanish in your rear view mirror, but are, as unfortunate it is, still around and bumping on you. I did not mean they should vanish in literal sense but I always believed that the world was large enough for them not to be seen ever again. I had hoped that they all would have immigrated to some distant land and will never bother me again. That was not to be. They form the virtual communities and create mailing lists and invite you to programs where they introduce themselves again to you. It is a perfect nightmare. Eighteen years have passed since I graduated, lot of things have changed. Several class mates have become bald and/or fat. Several people did not recognize each other and some wanted to be introduced again. I wondered all the time why I was there in the first place. A place that was so unknown that it required me to realign my compass.

Thankfully, some of my life long friends were with me and we bid early good bye to the party and resorted to our own little get together. This helped in subsiding the pain or panic to a great extent. I apologized profoundly to my close friends about my requests to them about attending class reunion.

Reunions are good for people who want to be reunited with the past; I wanted to forget that past. A past spent as embarrassing youth with bunch of strangers, is not worth remembering. Very few life long friendships were formed, rest is better forgotten. People might travel all over the world to get to know each other and be reunited with the past, but for me a class reunion is a ghost from past which I would rather not visit.

My friend Abhi, was right about this after all (usually he is). Class reunion? Thank you, but no thank you!

Identity Crisis

Recently under the garb of progress Indian government announced the citizen identity program. The program is supposed to bring benefits to common man - if there is such a thing! When everybody has an unique id then how common that would be? We are not even talking about civil liberties (if there is such a thing!).
The registered identity is a funny concept to boot. In order to get one you have to have some government approved id first. Not sure how this works for the millions of people who have more survival problems than thinking about identity. For example my mother with few decades of life still does not has government "Approved" id. She never needed one. Apart from honorable mention on rationing card, she has no record with the government. Of course there are voter lists but they keep changing on the whims of issuing officer. Born in colonial days and having lived through struggle for freedom, she is perplexed about the concept. The idea that somebody would give her a number to prove her identity is foreign to her - and so to many like her. It has uncanny resemblance to the dark past in India's history.
On a lighter note this program would be last nail on abundant freedom my generation has grown up with. I had always teased my friends in western societies about their passive submission to state machinery tracking their every movement with a number, something that our government couldn't and would'nt do. Alas, that would be thing of past now.
Everybody will have a number to go by and can be identified. Think about it. You are engaged in some casual sex with a babe on a remote sea beach in India, while hauling ship load of illicit drugs and POW - in comes the police saying,"well well Mr 00784, what would your wife say if she knew about this girl, eh?"
How are you going to explain to them that they missed the last digit and are confusing you for somebody else? Talk about identity crisis in a country where proving your identity is such a difficult task.

I am not afraid, I am married!

I read the quote in the daily news paper, a man saying that he is not afraid of terrorism, he has been married for 12 years. Sounded close enough.

I wonder when did the natural process of male and female of species getting together to produce next generation turned out to be such a bounding agreement that everybody started getting afraid of it. Of course homo sapien being more "brainy" started quoting about it, but is it really that painful? Well come to think of it, you don't get male swans getting together and complaining about their long time au pair (it is observed that swans make pairs for life time), but get in any average bar or human male gathering place, the most discussed thing is long drawn marriages and problems therein.

Marriage was meant to be a simple agreement to stay together for producing off-springs and assurance of taking care of them for considerable future. With wide spread usage of contraceptives and ever growing population of humans, producing off-springs is not such a priority (in purely evolutionary terms sex is actually an incentive for producing off-springs). Thus marriage became an instrument of describing love or binding for your life - based on your perspective. It was thought to be a sacred bond. Different cultures created a context around this bond to ensure people actually stick around for longer. In medieval times breaking marriage was considered sacrilegious (effects being worse for women than men).

I am sure somewhere in the progress of civilization the entire society found out this binding for life process was artificial. So we went through cycle of self discovery. In trbial times of hunting and gathering, marriage was not binding, then we have had our modernization where we made it binding and now we are back on curve where we don't think it has to be binding any more. In fact more and more people are opting for old ways of "living together" rather than marriage. Clearly people who still have old contracts can not break them free yet, but there is hope for next generation.

In some ways marriage is fun (free housekeeping, somebody to tell you when to take pills, etc.), but is it worth the life time of bondage? I don't know. My grandfather was very brave, he had four wives. I always wondered how he managed. I have sure inherited the bravery part, I got married to the first (well technically seventh but who counts?) girl I came across and promised life time of slavery.

While discussing a loan proposal my friend casually asked me if I was afraid of taking such a risk given the large sum and limited earning potential I have. I told him I am not risk averse, I am married.

Hospitals Again

Just when I thought I am done with the doctors, nurses and hospitals, I have to visit them one more time. These things keep coming back in my life. There is no recess. Recently one of the million tests I do (OK I am exaggerating, one of the 5 tests that I do - it certainly feels like million!), turned out positive. For the uninitiated, a positive medical test is NOT a good thing. It is like a doping test, no celebrations if it turns out positive - they take your medals away.  So I went from, happy to excited to panic. 

First and foremost thought came to my mind is, "Oh, good break from work!", second thought was, "Nurses in tight clothes" and the third thought was, "Oh looks like cancer is winning!". The third thought was not encouraging, causing me to panic. 

By now I thought I am used to analyzing these things, and could calmly handle such rebound. Every cancer patient (surviving!) always plans for multiple surgeries. I know few survivors who lived through this to tell the tale. Having philosophically thought about, "Nurses in tight clothes", I was under impression that my mind could certainly handle shocks.  Well, I thought wrong. It upset me for a long time. I was unnecessarily worried about future of Indian economy (especially when I will not be there!) and what would happen to my gym membership fees - would I get a refund on my annual fees with the claim of absence due to operation or certainty of death in near future.  These are unnerving thoughts, what if you learn that you will really not able to watch all the TV that you paid for (I actually paid for annual subscription) - instead spend time in white rooms with limited channels TV?  Man, this is tough life I live!

In any case I am preparing my mind for another long stay at hospital, perhaps a surgery or more, I am not sure. With one positive test result, I have miles to go before I get any closer to nurses in tight clothes. Besides, hospitals are not really that bad, these are ultimate destinations for attention seeking individuals, there are always people around you. Especially if you have some serious terminal disease (like, say Cancer), at any given moment there would be at least 2-3 people around you.  This makes you feel very good. It is certainly worth the money you pay. You will never get that kind of attention in any 5-star hotel - for example how many hotels would actually offer you full body sponging with anti-bacterial soap? 

Dog Chasing The Car

"I am like a dog chasing cars, I wouldn't know what to do with one if I caught it...", says the Joker in movie The Dark Knight. Comics, for whatever they are worth, always have cheesy statements that reflect the life we live.  Indeed we are all like dogs chasing the cars, without really knowing what we would do if we really caught one.

To prove this hypothesis, I did a random sampling survey. I asked 10 of my friends (yes,  I do have friends and yes they are more sane than I am), to describe what is their ultimate goal in life. One said, "happiness", I asked her to describe what that meant. It turned out to be a house in the mountains. Several others described financial security as the ultimate goal  (NOTE: Some of the participants are criminally rich within their societal context, earning lot more than average salaries in respective countries). I asked them what would they do if they indeed get that. Not one of them had good answer.  Few commented their goal to be able to spend more time with their children - not sure if the children wanted them in house all the time for spending time, either. It turned out from my survey that many of us are really chasing something without knowing what that something is.  

The worst state all of us could be is in not realizing that we are chasing. We are accelerating to catch the light, running meetings by roadside, worried over portfolio evaluation. During the entire life, we are simply chasing one thing or other - and if you are rich enough, chasing after people so that they can chase what you want. Now the realization alone is not enough, even Joker had that. Doing something about it after you realize it, is important. As the argument goes, there are two kinds of people, one who are running because they enjoy it and others who are chasing the runners because they want to keep up!

I guess the important lesson here is to buy better running shoes, whether one is chaser or runner,  one still has to run!

Power of Imagination

My son recently argued with me that he never really wants to grow up. Bit worried, I asked him why - after all my retirement plan was based on his ability to grow and get out of my house! His argument was very simple, he told me that he is afraid that he might loose his power of imagination if he grows up.  For some reason he seemed to think that adults don't really have imagination powers (being young child he hasn't met lot of investment bankers yet!).  He went on explaining how he can imagine super hero toys talking to him or his friends donning various costumes and 'imagining' that they are some kind of heroes and so on. He has not seen any adults doing that, so he never wanted to be an adult.  Deceptively simple logic - of course one could excuse any rational adult human for not wearing tight clothing and not being a super hero with underpants on outside. Nevertheless he had a valid point.  

Is it true that as adults we tend to be more rational than necessary? At a times it almost seems like. Our ability to imagine is limited to fantasizing about some not-so-childish-activities with the popular movie/super hero (or heroine as the case may be).  Is it true that we adults can not see the different picture than is presented to us? Perhaps it is better that we do not "imagine" things. I am not sure where I would land if I let my imagination wander. As adults the thoughts and ideas are more profound and are not limited to being a person that can fly while showing underwear.  I think it is part of the growing up that we limit ourselves to contextual imagination - not wandering around. Creative people and scientists could argue in favour of thinking new ideas, but large majority - I am sure could do without it.  After all how much imagination you would want to have to pull you through your daily life? Too much of it and you are ready for white clothes, bed and male nurses in mental hospital, too little of it and your mind is fatigued at the end of the day. The key is having enough power of imagination to survive the life and perhaps make some money out of it - be it fantasizing about movie star or an idea that gives you better job! But not really loose it.

I told my son that one never really looses the power of imagination, as one becomes adult, one simply learns how to make money from it. I am sure he will learn that in due course, after all it is one thing to imagine about being a super hero and another to sell super hero toy collectibles on eBay.