What do you do?

I met my old friend from school days at office today, and she asked me the most dreaded question, "What do you do other than your job?" and I fumbled (yes actually!).

I thought I had this part figured out. I thought I had a great work-life balance, but when she asked this point-blank, I really had no answer. I told her about my parenting (not very good at it -I admit), attempts at outdoor sports and she was visibly unimpressed.

This was really difficult question to answer. No matter what you do, if you can not answer this question, you are practically doomed. It means you have no life outside your job, it also means that you are really asocial person and do not meet people outside your office acquaintances (I remember an old joke - "are you asocial or do you just enjoy living in the Antarctic?"). It also means you have no hobbies and/or life (literally!).

It also reflects on the choices you have made with your life. It almost appeared as if my choice was to work for a large corporation with no identity. I tried to think hard, what was that thing that kept me running, and I realized it was all about being engaged in some creative activity. I did not start my job as a mechanism to make money. I started it as a creative gig that could also give me some money. The general idea was I could do lot many things outside the job such as painting, research, writing, reading, trekking (if health permits).

Today, I do not do any painting, my research is limited to finding new ways to teach mathematics to my son, writing does not go beyond blogs, reading is limited to newspaper and trekking - I do not do at all. I recall once upon a time I dreamed of trekking Annapurna mountains. The closest I have been was the base camp and recently to a lodge with the view of Kanchanjunga in Sikkim. The last time I held a painting brush was 3 weeks ago to clean my headset.

This was very depressing thought. I realized in the haste of living life, I actually had forgotten what it meant. Without getting too philosophical, I think somewhere in between I lost the part of life which was beyond the 9am-9pm job. It is almost time to find out what the world looks like outside the walls of the prison.. er the office. I am going to start looking for that world. After all I don't have much time.

One of the first things I would do is to go and thank my friend for opening my eyes. The only problem is, I will have to go to office for that.

Depression House

Hospitals are very depressing places. They claim to be happy places which care for people but in reality they are great big machines creating depression all around. It is difficult for them to grasp the concept that people can be happy even if they are sick. I have a terminal sickness, so I know what the end result is, however nurses still try to patronize me, junior doctors give me assurances that it will be all right. It is almost like rubbing salt. I have several scans to go through, so I go to hospitals alone (as it is they are boring places, why make others suffer?). So comes the first question,
"who is the patient?"
"me.. all of me!" (my sarcasm does not leave me, I should get rid of it some time!)
"who is with you?"
"me", by this time staff is thinking I am in a wrong hospital..

If there are people with me then they keep hampering them to leave the 'patient' alone. As if it is not important for others even to be at that place. Right.. only patients get the right to be depressed.

I am at nuclear scan and I am joking about the warm glow of radiation within as an example of pure soul. The young doctor takes it as a spiritual comment. She goes on explaining to me about death and life. I have observed it before, medical curicula should contain some sense of humour built in. Another patient with similar ailment is an old woman. She is worried about pains of radiation therapy (there are none!) and word 'cancer' has unsettled her, so I am joking with her. The lab assistant does not like it;
"Don't talk in the lab, you are a patient, be depressed; I should know, this is depression house and I work here"
He may not have said it exactly like this, but he sure meant it !