All for Sushmita Sen

Recently I underwent a weight loss program - more out of necessity than anything else. I did loose some weight, although nothing close to advertise in papers but enough to enjoy my holiday binge. In last few years, due to lack of exercise, I had gained some weight - it was not that visible but medically speaking I was overweight. I was advised by my doctor to "manage" the weight rather than "loose" it. He is generally concerned about my health (reminds me of a story of hen that used to lay golden eggs - I just happen to be cancer patient spending much more than golden egg every month!).

When somebody approaching forty, who in appearance is not "obese", joins a health club or goes on diet, the obvious question is "Why?" - after all we live in India, we are used to being on healthy side (that too scientifically proven). Besides with the approaching age, baldness and being obese is natural - why fight it?
In my case I tell everybody that the reason is Sushmita Sen - the bollywood actress. Well the rationale is very simple, she is single (yet), beautiful, strong, independent and mature women which I would have a remote chance of impressing upon. Otherwise all this charm and lean body would naturally go waste.

As I am approaching my forty, I realized that my opportunity window of impressing species of opposite sex is getting narrower. My wife of so many years, now naturally hates me, several of my old friends know me long enough to get impressed (if at all!). There are not that many single beautiful women out there in India that one would like to impress. The only choice by deduction is Sushmita Sen. Even in terms of probabilities, it is looking good. Using simple math with 1.06 males to female ratio in 15-64 age group in India, I can count my chances with at most 2 or 3 women. If I choose my sample carefully, one of those two eligible single women could be Sushmita Sen. It is quite possible that there are several other single women but probability of me meeting them to impress them is very low. With Sushmita, being a public figure, chances of meeting her are very high. All I have to do is to choose the right time and place.

I have now also enrolled for a personal training which will enable me to develop muscular body. After all the competition is fierce for impressing Sushmita. But then it is worth the effort - did I mention she loves Bengali food, just like me?

Daily Heroes

"The Heroism we recite / Would be a normal thing", so said Emily Dickinson in her famous poem We never know how high we are. It is always interesting to see that heroism that we worship in movies and stories is actually observed in our daily lives everywhere. We always believe that heroic deeds happen only when some catastrophic or significant events happens and men, women rise to the occasion. The real heroism does not wait for significant events or wars, I see people all around us who are heroes in everyday.

The human society as we know it has created so many situations, knowingly or unknowingly, that really requires extraordinary effort to live in the moment. There are people who travel around the world to support their families, individuals go through tremendous personal challenges to make the day and yet maintain smiles on the face. Are these not the real heroes? The people who take their daughter to evening dance classes while after meeting grueling professional goals - day after day without fail, the people who sustain the losses and still start afresh on their pursuits everyday, the people who struggle to meet their daily expenses - all of them are heroes in our daily lives. One can argue that it is tough life, but that does not mean the heroics that we do everyday to make the day are any less significant than winning a war or fighting the social inequalities. People just don't write books about it - that's all.

It is of course less interesting to know how somebody made through the killing traffic to hospital to meet his father in time than an iconic hero fighting crime on silver screen. Daily stories of heroes might be small and to a great extent insignificant but they are are heroic nevertheless!

Choices We Make

It is oft said that life is a series of experiences we chose to have. Our actions are determined by the choices we make and the experiences we choose. Even then, it is many times difficult to determine what is the right choice. Is it OK to live the life by predetermined rules or is it better to be rebel and create our own path? It is always a hard choice...

If we ignore all the psycho babble in quotes, it really comes down to one's ability to deal with the situation. In daily life our reactions are many times predictable and some times accidental. We don't really get time to decide the choice we are making or its cumulative impact on our lives. Like share trader on the trading floor our decisions are instantaneous and choices momentary. with gains and losses being equally disastrous.

What would we do different if we now gain the knowledge that every decision we make will eventually impact us? Will we be more cautious or would we be completely indecisive? Is there a technique by which we know the times when to live by existing rules and when not to?

For whatever reason, I spent more time in being rebel without a cause than living by rules (even when some of the rules were particularly useful, like say, don't drink too much wine or you will die having cancer of liver...yeah right!). Now I know that some of those decisions were not really good decisions and clearly have defined rest of my life. I chose to flunk my tests in school, I chose to fall in love with several girls (some times almost simultaneously) and live with agony for rest of the life, I chose not to make lots of money by stealing, I chose to travel around the world to solve bigger social problems; all good intentions, but mostly, bad choices. Of course several of these choices were made when I was young and stupid. Would I do the same decisions again? Maybe. On a serious note, I kind of like the life I have, except maybe for "falling in love" part, which is always painful experience to have - especially now that Aishwarya Rai is married!

Dealing with Death

No matter how many reruns of Lion King you have seen or have really understood the "circle of life", it is always difficult to deal with death when it actually happens. I am particularly intrigued by the fact that even when death happens all around us, we as human beings, never seem to really get handle on reactions. I, for one, don't know how to console people who are trying to come terms with death of someone close or facing it themselves. Consoling oneself about inevitability of death does not really help. You still feel the pain, agony and despair. It is the feeling of loss or "this-is-it" moment that is really difficult to get over. I thought I would get used to it, but even today, when I check the results of my medical tests, the heart stops for a moment or two.

The fact that life (yours or somebody else's) as you know would not be around tonight, tomorrow morning or perhaps forever is very unnerving thought. While it does provide a perspective on corporate deadlines, ".. I want this ready by tomorrow morning!!" (yeah right!), it does not really help in coming to the terms with death. But on the other hand brooding over it does not help either. Then the world would be very gloomy place, everybody constantly worrying about impending doom (and of course deadlines would have no meaning).

Either due to my naivety or "getting-used-to" syndrome, I have a tendency to ignore the pain. As a cancer patient I have been programmed to think positive. I can not keep long face for very long time. The flip side of this is, I can not identify with the agony others go through while coming to the terms with death, neither can I console others. It is difficult situation indeed, I know what it feels like, but can not really tell others what they should do. In many situations I ask them to remember the happy things in their lives. It sounds sappy and even offensive, but it has worked for me many times. Remembering happy things, the smiles, the joys in your life make life worth living and gives you energy to look beyond the obvious inevitability of death. I think the best way to deal with death is focusing more on life. I focus my energy on living everyday, possibly that helps me to stay put for so many years, beating some not-so-obvious medical predictions about my life!

I really don't know how to deal with death or it's after effects, but I guess I know how to deal with life.

America Beacons

What draws people to America? Everybody in the world wants to go to America - the land of honey and gold. Paul Theroux in his The Great Railway Bazaar describes everybody's desire to go to America, from eastern Europe to distant Russian outposts in Siberia. Practically every educated Indian youth wants to go to America and settle there. Is it really the land of honey and gold? Is the dream of work hard and you will get rich (and potential harassment by IRS) so attractive? I remember my brothers and father telling me about attraction to America in 70's and 80's. I am puzzled by this attraction in modern times. The borders are opening and world is becoming more connected (as apparent by the Swine Flu epidemic spread we see now in the world - 168 countries in 2 months). Does America still hold the mass magnate characteristics with its super Walmart and drive-in McDonald?

As for me, I have been practically traveling to America every year for last several years and the things that attract me most are Double Cheeseburger, the cheap coffee, and almost wide open National Parks. Once immediately after landing at O'Hara I rushed to the first McD in sight and ordered a burger. My co-traveller, another Indian, asked about my seemingly apparent craving for beef. I told her it is America I am enjoying, not the beef.

I could never get enough of Starbucks - I always joked about spreading their evil empire around the world. I tried drinking Starbucks in Japan too, but it was not the same. I think it is America with its arrogant service staff (they call you "Sir" when they hate you!), the ignorance of anybody non-white, and general attitude of America the great - makes it worth the effort. I am sure several other people in the world also strive to be part of this great melting pot. That probably explains why McD's at international airports in America run so successfully.

I recently got a letter from US Social Security informing me about my eligibility for disability and medicare benefits based on the taxes I paid few years ago. If for nothing else, I might just go to America to avail those health benefits - I am sure an extra helping of cheeseburger and super size soda would certainly help on the medicare front!

Thank you, but No Thank You!

First reaction for another class reunion - more polite version of "No Thanks". This time it was with bunch of college classmates who claimed to be my friends. They were enthusiastic and polite. A set of people who knew me when I was young and incredulous trying to know me again. Now I am no longer young, just incredulous. Boys mainly spent time in learning about each others work and position in some fictitious hierarchy, girls meek and coy tried to establish a pseudo feminism of “me-too” in the world where their value was sagging. Meeting perfect strangers who knew only part of your life is always overwhelming experience for me. We have nothing in common, no hobbies, no relations, no references – the only thing common is that we spent considerable time together in a large building campus known as college. Most of that time was spent on ogling at girls and/or competing with each other for marks.

These people were supposed to vanish in your rear view mirror, but are, as unfortunate it is, still around and bumping on you. I did not mean they should vanish in literal sense but I always believed that the world was large enough for them not to be seen ever again. I had hoped that they all would have immigrated to some distant land and will never bother me again. That was not to be. They form the virtual communities and create mailing lists and invite you to programs where they introduce themselves again to you. It is a perfect nightmare. Eighteen years have passed since I graduated, lot of things have changed. Several class mates have become bald and/or fat. Several people did not recognize each other and some wanted to be introduced again. I wondered all the time why I was there in the first place. A place that was so unknown that it required me to realign my compass.

Thankfully, some of my life long friends were with me and we bid early good bye to the party and resorted to our own little get together. This helped in subsiding the pain or panic to a great extent. I apologized profoundly to my close friends about my requests to them about attending class reunion.

Reunions are good for people who want to be reunited with the past; I wanted to forget that past. A past spent as embarrassing youth with bunch of strangers, is not worth remembering. Very few life long friendships were formed, rest is better forgotten. People might travel all over the world to get to know each other and be reunited with the past, but for me a class reunion is a ghost from past which I would rather not visit.

My friend Abhi, was right about this after all (usually he is). Class reunion? Thank you, but no thank you!

Identity Crisis

Recently under the garb of progress Indian government announced the citizen identity program. The program is supposed to bring benefits to common man - if there is such a thing! When everybody has an unique id then how common that would be? We are not even talking about civil liberties (if there is such a thing!).
The registered identity is a funny concept to boot. In order to get one you have to have some government approved id first. Not sure how this works for the millions of people who have more survival problems than thinking about identity. For example my mother with few decades of life still does not has government "Approved" id. She never needed one. Apart from honorable mention on rationing card, she has no record with the government. Of course there are voter lists but they keep changing on the whims of issuing officer. Born in colonial days and having lived through struggle for freedom, she is perplexed about the concept. The idea that somebody would give her a number to prove her identity is foreign to her - and so to many like her. It has uncanny resemblance to the dark past in India's history.
On a lighter note this program would be last nail on abundant freedom my generation has grown up with. I had always teased my friends in western societies about their passive submission to state machinery tracking their every movement with a number, something that our government couldn't and would'nt do. Alas, that would be thing of past now.
Everybody will have a number to go by and can be identified. Think about it. You are engaged in some casual sex with a babe on a remote sea beach in India, while hauling ship load of illicit drugs and POW - in comes the police saying,"well well Mr 00784, what would your wife say if she knew about this girl, eh?"
How are you going to explain to them that they missed the last digit and are confusing you for somebody else? Talk about identity crisis in a country where proving your identity is such a difficult task.

I am not afraid, I am married!

I read the quote in the daily news paper, a man saying that he is not afraid of terrorism, he has been married for 12 years. Sounded close enough.

I wonder when did the natural process of male and female of species getting together to produce next generation turned out to be such a bounding agreement that everybody started getting afraid of it. Of course homo sapien being more "brainy" started quoting about it, but is it really that painful? Well come to think of it, you don't get male swans getting together and complaining about their long time au pair (it is observed that swans make pairs for life time), but get in any average bar or human male gathering place, the most discussed thing is long drawn marriages and problems therein.

Marriage was meant to be a simple agreement to stay together for producing off-springs and assurance of taking care of them for considerable future. With wide spread usage of contraceptives and ever growing population of humans, producing off-springs is not such a priority (in purely evolutionary terms sex is actually an incentive for producing off-springs). Thus marriage became an instrument of describing love or binding for your life - based on your perspective. It was thought to be a sacred bond. Different cultures created a context around this bond to ensure people actually stick around for longer. In medieval times breaking marriage was considered sacrilegious (effects being worse for women than men).

I am sure somewhere in the progress of civilization the entire society found out this binding for life process was artificial. So we went through cycle of self discovery. In trbial times of hunting and gathering, marriage was not binding, then we have had our modernization where we made it binding and now we are back on curve where we don't think it has to be binding any more. In fact more and more people are opting for old ways of "living together" rather than marriage. Clearly people who still have old contracts can not break them free yet, but there is hope for next generation.

In some ways marriage is fun (free housekeeping, somebody to tell you when to take pills, etc.), but is it worth the life time of bondage? I don't know. My grandfather was very brave, he had four wives. I always wondered how he managed. I have sure inherited the bravery part, I got married to the first (well technically seventh but who counts?) girl I came across and promised life time of slavery.

While discussing a loan proposal my friend casually asked me if I was afraid of taking such a risk given the large sum and limited earning potential I have. I told him I am not risk averse, I am married.

Hospitals Again

Just when I thought I am done with the doctors, nurses and hospitals, I have to visit them one more time. These things keep coming back in my life. There is no recess. Recently one of the million tests I do (OK I am exaggerating, one of the 5 tests that I do - it certainly feels like million!), turned out positive. For the uninitiated, a positive medical test is NOT a good thing. It is like a doping test, no celebrations if it turns out positive - they take your medals away.  So I went from, happy to excited to panic. 

First and foremost thought came to my mind is, "Oh, good break from work!", second thought was, "Nurses in tight clothes" and the third thought was, "Oh looks like cancer is winning!". The third thought was not encouraging, causing me to panic. 

By now I thought I am used to analyzing these things, and could calmly handle such rebound. Every cancer patient (surviving!) always plans for multiple surgeries. I know few survivors who lived through this to tell the tale. Having philosophically thought about, "Nurses in tight clothes", I was under impression that my mind could certainly handle shocks.  Well, I thought wrong. It upset me for a long time. I was unnecessarily worried about future of Indian economy (especially when I will not be there!) and what would happen to my gym membership fees - would I get a refund on my annual fees with the claim of absence due to operation or certainty of death in near future.  These are unnerving thoughts, what if you learn that you will really not able to watch all the TV that you paid for (I actually paid for annual subscription) - instead spend time in white rooms with limited channels TV?  Man, this is tough life I live!

In any case I am preparing my mind for another long stay at hospital, perhaps a surgery or more, I am not sure. With one positive test result, I have miles to go before I get any closer to nurses in tight clothes. Besides, hospitals are not really that bad, these are ultimate destinations for attention seeking individuals, there are always people around you. Especially if you have some serious terminal disease (like, say Cancer), at any given moment there would be at least 2-3 people around you.  This makes you feel very good. It is certainly worth the money you pay. You will never get that kind of attention in any 5-star hotel - for example how many hotels would actually offer you full body sponging with anti-bacterial soap? 

Dog Chasing The Car

"I am like a dog chasing cars, I wouldn't know what to do with one if I caught it...", says the Joker in movie The Dark Knight. Comics, for whatever they are worth, always have cheesy statements that reflect the life we live.  Indeed we are all like dogs chasing the cars, without really knowing what we would do if we really caught one.

To prove this hypothesis, I did a random sampling survey. I asked 10 of my friends (yes,  I do have friends and yes they are more sane than I am), to describe what is their ultimate goal in life. One said, "happiness", I asked her to describe what that meant. It turned out to be a house in the mountains. Several others described financial security as the ultimate goal  (NOTE: Some of the participants are criminally rich within their societal context, earning lot more than average salaries in respective countries). I asked them what would they do if they indeed get that. Not one of them had good answer.  Few commented their goal to be able to spend more time with their children - not sure if the children wanted them in house all the time for spending time, either. It turned out from my survey that many of us are really chasing something without knowing what that something is.  

The worst state all of us could be is in not realizing that we are chasing. We are accelerating to catch the light, running meetings by roadside, worried over portfolio evaluation. During the entire life, we are simply chasing one thing or other - and if you are rich enough, chasing after people so that they can chase what you want. Now the realization alone is not enough, even Joker had that. Doing something about it after you realize it, is important. As the argument goes, there are two kinds of people, one who are running because they enjoy it and others who are chasing the runners because they want to keep up!

I guess the important lesson here is to buy better running shoes, whether one is chaser or runner,  one still has to run!

Power of Imagination

My son recently argued with me that he never really wants to grow up. Bit worried, I asked him why - after all my retirement plan was based on his ability to grow and get out of my house! His argument was very simple, he told me that he is afraid that he might loose his power of imagination if he grows up.  For some reason he seemed to think that adults don't really have imagination powers (being young child he hasn't met lot of investment bankers yet!).  He went on explaining how he can imagine super hero toys talking to him or his friends donning various costumes and 'imagining' that they are some kind of heroes and so on. He has not seen any adults doing that, so he never wanted to be an adult.  Deceptively simple logic - of course one could excuse any rational adult human for not wearing tight clothing and not being a super hero with underpants on outside. Nevertheless he had a valid point.  

Is it true that as adults we tend to be more rational than necessary? At a times it almost seems like. Our ability to imagine is limited to fantasizing about some not-so-childish-activities with the popular movie/super hero (or heroine as the case may be).  Is it true that we adults can not see the different picture than is presented to us? Perhaps it is better that we do not "imagine" things. I am not sure where I would land if I let my imagination wander. As adults the thoughts and ideas are more profound and are not limited to being a person that can fly while showing underwear.  I think it is part of the growing up that we limit ourselves to contextual imagination - not wandering around. Creative people and scientists could argue in favour of thinking new ideas, but large majority - I am sure could do without it.  After all how much imagination you would want to have to pull you through your daily life? Too much of it and you are ready for white clothes, bed and male nurses in mental hospital, too little of it and your mind is fatigued at the end of the day. The key is having enough power of imagination to survive the life and perhaps make some money out of it - be it fantasizing about movie star or an idea that gives you better job! But not really loose it.

I told my son that one never really looses the power of imagination, as one becomes adult, one simply learns how to make money from it. I am sure he will learn that in due course, after all it is one thing to imagine about being a super hero and another to sell super hero toy collectibles on eBay. 

Make The Peace

In my journey to spirituality, I came across the opinions of the "great" guru on Death. The guru explained how and what of death and why it is important part of the "circle of life" and so on. Apparently the guru has never seen Tuck Everlasting, he might have changed his story to, "would you like to live forever?". In any case, I realized that in ordinary world, thinking about death is next to impossible. If we plan our small life with the view of death, we would be forever sad and worried. In effect, not enjoying the life as such. We plan for several things, how to loose weight in next 4 weeks - and get into affair with the hottest lady in gym (yeah right!), how big a pension I should have, do I have sufficient petrol in my car, and so on - with very little thought about would it really matter, if let us say you die tonight? What if the life you had so far is all the life you would ever have and that's about it? If one keeps thinking about such thoughts, it would be impossible to enjoy the moment. And this is important part of the life, enjoying the moment (and yes also watching TV, that comes next!).  

In many tribal areas of India, death is known as something that allows one to make peace with oneself. The dead person is referred to as, "he made peace with himself". This is very unique way of accepting the inevitability of death. You fight with so called "fate", "destiny", "circumstances" and occasionally with your wife (!), but eventually you make peace with yourself when you die.  You are at peace with the world, no more fidgeting, postponing the meetings, or delaying the budgetary decisions. You die and make the peace! 

Of course several other things can be done without making the peace, but then what is life for?

Spirituality Beacons

Spirituality has now become a lucrative business. Any person with some profound thoughts about life of human beings could record his/her messages and distribute using electronic media and voila! you are the next guru. For a week I worked at a rather distant office and was required to spend 1.5hrs of "awakening" in commute. I listened to the recorded messages of one such self proclaimed guru and his anecdotes about life in general.  I listened to "lion and elephant" fable. I heard about duality and how it is preventing me from cleansing my soul. I was introduced to new yoga that I must include as part of my daily life. I heard about how sex is a form of recognizing the duality in human species. I also heard about how to do "inner management", which apparently is different than "external management" that we pretend to do in our daily lives. 

All this was a new knowledge to me. I thought spirituality is something that you do when you retire (or live long enough to retire) Or are old enough when ogling at Internet porn is too much of effort. I clearly had no idea about so called duality in human nature. The only duality I knew was the one in mathematics and that too not well as my grades proved (rather consistently!). 

I did not know that my soul was trying hard to break free from daily stress that I put up with and requires a full-time guru and set of yoga positions to manage. Boy this spirituality is a serious business - if you decide to follow it. 

Among other things I realized I have too much stress in my life. For example, fights at work place, world peace, terrorism and my wife (not related, two different stresses, just so that there is no confusion!). I also realized that I must do several meditations and advanced programs in certain type of yoga to keep my soul cleansed from all this stresses. The sheer thought of doing something of this magnitude caused my stress levels to go up. I had to calm myself and engage in a deep thought of starting this journey. Red wine, consumed in enough quantities also facilitated the thought process. 

I think cleansing my soul is a right thing to do, I might just change the yoga positions with enough quantities of red wine. There is evidence in Hindu mythology of using alcohol to support the process. 

Hence fourth, I will be a changed man. I will no longer look upon female of the species as sex objects. I will instead search for the duality within them - even at the cost of spending more time with them. I will not hate morons, instead I will recognize that their souls are not cleansed enough - I will encourage them to do so, at a times at cost of my wine.  I will not blame others for my problems, instead will strive for inner management (and perhaps become problem for others!).  Spirituality beacons and here I come...

Year of Blogging

OK I took long time off from blogging. Several people pointed out that the articles are not posted for almost 5 months now. Some people got little worried about my health etc. - and I heard some people also celebrated, of course they did not know their happiness was short lived. A new year has started and here I am, back with my bad English and opinions on everything that is happening on the small planet of Earth. I am going to take blogging seriously now. I recently came across Christian Lander's Blog about white people which got published in book. Blogging is probably better career option and mechanism to change people on this planet. I wish I could meet some beautiful girls this way - wishful thinking, but again everything is possible in this modern world. It has not happened after so many years of blogging, but that is not to say it will not happen..

This year I am planning not to travel too much. I am hoping that most of my frequent flyer miles and hotel stays will carry me through this year. After all if you earn them better use them. Another resolution I made this year is to focus on my health (!). I have joined a gym. I am planning to spend enormous amount of money on my "training", just to hide my guilt of not doing regular exercise and not following the diet. I guess at the end of this year I will have good knowledge about why my current weight is the best weight at this age.

Although not all my goals for this year are unachievable, I also have some that I think I will achieve. For example, I have planned to be more emotionally intelligent this year. According to my niece - a part time psychologist and part time Spanish instructor ( a career combination only psychologists can justify!), it is very easy to have emotional intelligence - have empathy for other people. I am developing this skill.
For example, I no longer smile when my wife starts crying watching a mushy movie - instead I empathize with her about the bad movie! I no longer get upset about my son watching violent cartoon on TV, I watch it with him - again I empathize. Given this track record, I think I will be able to make it this year.
I also plan to drink better coffee than last year - a coffee shop at work helps!
I will keep sharing how it goes through my blogs - and yes I will be more prolific than before, at least expect one post a month.
People can remember 2009 as a year of change in the world, some people argue it is year of economical downturn, while others keep trudging along; for me this is year of blogging. A goal set and achieved!