Life of pain

I recently saw the ad for movie on Christ by Mel Gibson. The critique was that the movie shows gory details of crucification and pain. I wonder how people had suffered the pain in the days when anasthetics did not exist? Maybe that should explain why witch doctors were burnt so frequently in good old times. The eminent danger for me is the pain of operation and pre-op procedures. They told me about putting a needle in my spinal chord. For some reasons doctors want the bowels to be sparkling clean (well looking at average human insides, I won't blame them) thus meal follows the enima.. It hurts like hell (ok no jokes about backend jobs!). Followed by series of pricks on hand and neck and thighs. The operation is one hell trip you don't want to take, cancer or not. I was getting inclined to chemo, but my brother reminded me of the pains involved. I told him I can take loss of hair (there aren't any!) and vomitting to, 'what is this green thing?... Let us cut it anyway doctor, h
e has paid for it' kind of operation. If I visualize (and my imagination is wild!), I could see bunch of doctors handling my interiors ('hey did you see these? Even Amitabh doesn't has these large kidneys', 'great, what do you say we keep one of these for ourselves? ..would look good in my new office') and cutting at random till they are exhausted. Apparently the pain would be made bearable by anasthetics injected in spinal cord, no less.

People would imagine that I would be ready for pains now that I know I have cancer. I am going to say one word to them, 'marriage'. No matter how many experiences you have seen or been through, one can never accurately predict the pain or suffering their own marriage can cause them. It is same with cancer, no predictions only anxiety.

More you think about pain more scared you get. Especially around future. I guess I should prepare my mind now about frequent pricks on hands, occassional IV fliuds getting in body and chemo cycles. I do not know how long I will live, it is difficult to predict with cancer, but I know certainly that I will die because of cancer (of course if other things such as income tax do not take their chance before!). And for certain it is going to be life of pain. There would be bottles of pain killers that I have to carry around. The travelling life is almost finished (that is probably good part), and occassional wine is ruled out (what me? tee totaller? OMG !!!!!). I wonder how wine sellers are going to make living in Pune area, guess they will have to lump it. Such is life, and I am not saying anything about sex yet(!).

Perhaps it was better life without diagnosis, it would have been easier to face the pain without prior knowledge. Now I know what to expect and that has changed my lifestyle forever ('no more brown sugar just painkillers and absolutely no sex in the morning, it intereferes with my chemo, you know..').

It is going to be painful life, especially when your brothers are drinking the scotch that you bought (which they would, I know) and you can only watch. Such is life, artist and creative people want suffering and pain to get the idea and they don't get any (van Gogh had to cut his ears), whereas me, who likes to keep pain 10 feet away and watch it in glass cabin, get the pain in abundance. I blame this all on capitalist policies of the government, which is going to rule for another 4 years. I do not know how much pain and suffering I can keep up with...