How scared are you?

The first thing that strikes you when somebody says you have cancer is, how many days I have got to live. It is natural for humans (who, by the way, are accidents on earth) to be worried about the life span. Every doctor I met was impressed with my +ve attitude, and told me that I would survive this cancer.
I go fooling around, I tell them examples from physics. Explain difference between practical reality and visible reality. The tumour well concealed in my liver is harmless as little puppy. Once cut open I would have series of problems with it. First two third of my liver would be gone, then I have to get chemo cycles to remove whatever is left of it. Then I will have cancer officially (Generally you don't have a cancer till you have chemo. It is important step in social standing of cancer patients), and I will have to go through series of test periodically. In short what is theory now would become reality once operated. This scares shit out of me. Now we are happy people, me and my tumor. The liver is also used to large non-functional encroachment. My liver functions are normal. Everything is hunky dory. We occassionally plan for picnics and outings. But things are going to change now...(see this fooling is going to cost me).

Doctors keep wondering about my jokes. One guy told me candidly that I would recover since I am taking this very lightly. Part of the light-heartedness comes from my inexperience about the cancer and the fact that I have no symptoms at all. I joke about the operation, the procedures, nurses and doctors. I am literally enjoying all the attention. My wife's relative was asking whether I am scared. I told her, 'yes a bit' which is true. Mostly I am worried about the pain of operation. I have already passed the phase of being scared of my life because of cancer. Here today gone tomorrow...what? Inexperienced in pain and suffering (barring few meetings and trans-continental flights, or listening to wife..ok let us just stop here), I have no idea what having cancer feels like. Only people who seem to be scared are the doctors. Ignorance is real bliss here. No fancy blood vomiting or pains in abdomen, just plain cancer (only visible thru ct scan).

It turns out that doctors are generally disappointed if the patients are not scared. They want to play the role of saviours. Not a happy situation when the patient jokes about surgical procedure. For them it is complex procedure involving life and death (and day's pay which could be substantial). No wonder they are scared when they get a patient with cancer. I mean really scared. The treatment and councelling time depends on the scare quotient of the patient. High sq qualifies for long sessions and assurances. Sarcastic remarks get nothing!

Am I scared? Not really. It is my firm belief that the people who are going to operate should be scared, my loan officer should be scared, my insurance company should be scared, not me. I am the guy who is getting operated under anasthesia and painkillers, assisted by young nurses for everything (yes including baths and what not..in case you are wondering). Nowadays even chemo does not hurt. And in case of death, having no prior experience I could not say, but definately not scared at the moment.

My mother is upset that I am not scared enough. How much scared I should be, she could not say. Lacking prior experience and guidance, my scare quotient is dwindling in -ve. Is that a good thing? I do not know..