Dealing with Death

No matter how many reruns of Lion King you have seen or have really understood the "circle of life", it is always difficult to deal with death when it actually happens. I am particularly intrigued by the fact that even when death happens all around us, we as human beings, never seem to really get handle on reactions. I, for one, don't know how to console people who are trying to come terms with death of someone close or facing it themselves. Consoling oneself about inevitability of death does not really help. You still feel the pain, agony and despair. It is the feeling of loss or "this-is-it" moment that is really difficult to get over. I thought I would get used to it, but even today, when I check the results of my medical tests, the heart stops for a moment or two.

The fact that life (yours or somebody else's) as you know would not be around tonight, tomorrow morning or perhaps forever is very unnerving thought. While it does provide a perspective on corporate deadlines, ".. I want this ready by tomorrow morning!!" (yeah right!), it does not really help in coming to the terms with death. But on the other hand brooding over it does not help either. Then the world would be very gloomy place, everybody constantly worrying about impending doom (and of course deadlines would have no meaning).

Either due to my naivety or "getting-used-to" syndrome, I have a tendency to ignore the pain. As a cancer patient I have been programmed to think positive. I can not keep long face for very long time. The flip side of this is, I can not identify with the agony others go through while coming to the terms with death, neither can I console others. It is difficult situation indeed, I know what it feels like, but can not really tell others what they should do. In many situations I ask them to remember the happy things in their lives. It sounds sappy and even offensive, but it has worked for me many times. Remembering happy things, the smiles, the joys in your life make life worth living and gives you energy to look beyond the obvious inevitability of death. I think the best way to deal with death is focusing more on life. I focus my energy on living everyday, possibly that helps me to stay put for so many years, beating some not-so-obvious medical predictions about my life!

I really don't know how to deal with death or it's after effects, but I guess I know how to deal with life.

America Beacons

What draws people to America? Everybody in the world wants to go to America - the land of honey and gold. Paul Theroux in his The Great Railway Bazaar describes everybody's desire to go to America, from eastern Europe to distant Russian outposts in Siberia. Practically every educated Indian youth wants to go to America and settle there. Is it really the land of honey and gold? Is the dream of work hard and you will get rich (and potential harassment by IRS) so attractive? I remember my brothers and father telling me about attraction to America in 70's and 80's. I am puzzled by this attraction in modern times. The borders are opening and world is becoming more connected (as apparent by the Swine Flu epidemic spread we see now in the world - 168 countries in 2 months). Does America still hold the mass magnate characteristics with its super Walmart and drive-in McDonald?

As for me, I have been practically traveling to America every year for last several years and the things that attract me most are Double Cheeseburger, the cheap coffee, and almost wide open National Parks. Once immediately after landing at O'Hara I rushed to the first McD in sight and ordered a burger. My co-traveller, another Indian, asked about my seemingly apparent craving for beef. I told her it is America I am enjoying, not the beef.

I could never get enough of Starbucks - I always joked about spreading their evil empire around the world. I tried drinking Starbucks in Japan too, but it was not the same. I think it is America with its arrogant service staff (they call you "Sir" when they hate you!), the ignorance of anybody non-white, and general attitude of America the great - makes it worth the effort. I am sure several other people in the world also strive to be part of this great melting pot. That probably explains why McD's at international airports in America run so successfully.

I recently got a letter from US Social Security informing me about my eligibility for disability and medicare benefits based on the taxes I paid few years ago. If for nothing else, I might just go to America to avail those health benefits - I am sure an extra helping of cheeseburger and super size soda would certainly help on the medicare front!

Thank you, but No Thank You!

First reaction for another class reunion - more polite version of "No Thanks". This time it was with bunch of college classmates who claimed to be my friends. They were enthusiastic and polite. A set of people who knew me when I was young and incredulous trying to know me again. Now I am no longer young, just incredulous. Boys mainly spent time in learning about each others work and position in some fictitious hierarchy, girls meek and coy tried to establish a pseudo feminism of “me-too” in the world where their value was sagging. Meeting perfect strangers who knew only part of your life is always overwhelming experience for me. We have nothing in common, no hobbies, no relations, no references – the only thing common is that we spent considerable time together in a large building campus known as college. Most of that time was spent on ogling at girls and/or competing with each other for marks.

These people were supposed to vanish in your rear view mirror, but are, as unfortunate it is, still around and bumping on you. I did not mean they should vanish in literal sense but I always believed that the world was large enough for them not to be seen ever again. I had hoped that they all would have immigrated to some distant land and will never bother me again. That was not to be. They form the virtual communities and create mailing lists and invite you to programs where they introduce themselves again to you. It is a perfect nightmare. Eighteen years have passed since I graduated, lot of things have changed. Several class mates have become bald and/or fat. Several people did not recognize each other and some wanted to be introduced again. I wondered all the time why I was there in the first place. A place that was so unknown that it required me to realign my compass.

Thankfully, some of my life long friends were with me and we bid early good bye to the party and resorted to our own little get together. This helped in subsiding the pain or panic to a great extent. I apologized profoundly to my close friends about my requests to them about attending class reunion.

Reunions are good for people who want to be reunited with the past; I wanted to forget that past. A past spent as embarrassing youth with bunch of strangers, is not worth remembering. Very few life long friendships were formed, rest is better forgotten. People might travel all over the world to get to know each other and be reunited with the past, but for me a class reunion is a ghost from past which I would rather not visit.

My friend Abhi, was right about this after all (usually he is). Class reunion? Thank you, but no thank you!

Identity Crisis

Recently under the garb of progress Indian government announced the citizen identity program. The program is supposed to bring benefits to common man - if there is such a thing! When everybody has an unique id then how common that would be? We are not even talking about civil liberties (if there is such a thing!).
The registered identity is a funny concept to boot. In order to get one you have to have some government approved id first. Not sure how this works for the millions of people who have more survival problems than thinking about identity. For example my mother with few decades of life still does not has government "Approved" id. She never needed one. Apart from honorable mention on rationing card, she has no record with the government. Of course there are voter lists but they keep changing on the whims of issuing officer. Born in colonial days and having lived through struggle for freedom, she is perplexed about the concept. The idea that somebody would give her a number to prove her identity is foreign to her - and so to many like her. It has uncanny resemblance to the dark past in India's history.
On a lighter note this program would be last nail on abundant freedom my generation has grown up with. I had always teased my friends in western societies about their passive submission to state machinery tracking their every movement with a number, something that our government couldn't and would'nt do. Alas, that would be thing of past now.
Everybody will have a number to go by and can be identified. Think about it. You are engaged in some casual sex with a babe on a remote sea beach in India, while hauling ship load of illicit drugs and POW - in comes the police saying,"well well Mr 00784, what would your wife say if she knew about this girl, eh?"
How are you going to explain to them that they missed the last digit and are confusing you for somebody else? Talk about identity crisis in a country where proving your identity is such a difficult task.

I am not afraid, I am married!

I read the quote in the daily news paper, a man saying that he is not afraid of terrorism, he has been married for 12 years. Sounded close enough.

I wonder when did the natural process of male and female of species getting together to produce next generation turned out to be such a bounding agreement that everybody started getting afraid of it. Of course homo sapien being more "brainy" started quoting about it, but is it really that painful? Well come to think of it, you don't get male swans getting together and complaining about their long time au pair (it is observed that swans make pairs for life time), but get in any average bar or human male gathering place, the most discussed thing is long drawn marriages and problems therein.

Marriage was meant to be a simple agreement to stay together for producing off-springs and assurance of taking care of them for considerable future. With wide spread usage of contraceptives and ever growing population of humans, producing off-springs is not such a priority (in purely evolutionary terms sex is actually an incentive for producing off-springs). Thus marriage became an instrument of describing love or binding for your life - based on your perspective. It was thought to be a sacred bond. Different cultures created a context around this bond to ensure people actually stick around for longer. In medieval times breaking marriage was considered sacrilegious (effects being worse for women than men).

I am sure somewhere in the progress of civilization the entire society found out this binding for life process was artificial. So we went through cycle of self discovery. In trbial times of hunting and gathering, marriage was not binding, then we have had our modernization where we made it binding and now we are back on curve where we don't think it has to be binding any more. In fact more and more people are opting for old ways of "living together" rather than marriage. Clearly people who still have old contracts can not break them free yet, but there is hope for next generation.

In some ways marriage is fun (free housekeeping, somebody to tell you when to take pills, etc.), but is it worth the life time of bondage? I don't know. My grandfather was very brave, he had four wives. I always wondered how he managed. I have sure inherited the bravery part, I got married to the first (well technically seventh but who counts?) girl I came across and promised life time of slavery.

While discussing a loan proposal my friend casually asked me if I was afraid of taking such a risk given the large sum and limited earning potential I have. I told him I am not risk averse, I am married.

Hospitals Again

Just when I thought I am done with the doctors, nurses and hospitals, I have to visit them one more time. These things keep coming back in my life. There is no recess. Recently one of the million tests I do (OK I am exaggerating, one of the 5 tests that I do - it certainly feels like million!), turned out positive. For the uninitiated, a positive medical test is NOT a good thing. It is like a doping test, no celebrations if it turns out positive - they take your medals away.  So I went from, happy to excited to panic. 

First and foremost thought came to my mind is, "Oh, good break from work!", second thought was, "Nurses in tight clothes" and the third thought was, "Oh looks like cancer is winning!". The third thought was not encouraging, causing me to panic. 

By now I thought I am used to analyzing these things, and could calmly handle such rebound. Every cancer patient (surviving!) always plans for multiple surgeries. I know few survivors who lived through this to tell the tale. Having philosophically thought about, "Nurses in tight clothes", I was under impression that my mind could certainly handle shocks.  Well, I thought wrong. It upset me for a long time. I was unnecessarily worried about future of Indian economy (especially when I will not be there!) and what would happen to my gym membership fees - would I get a refund on my annual fees with the claim of absence due to operation or certainty of death in near future.  These are unnerving thoughts, what if you learn that you will really not able to watch all the TV that you paid for (I actually paid for annual subscription) - instead spend time in white rooms with limited channels TV?  Man, this is tough life I live!

In any case I am preparing my mind for another long stay at hospital, perhaps a surgery or more, I am not sure. With one positive test result, I have miles to go before I get any closer to nurses in tight clothes. Besides, hospitals are not really that bad, these are ultimate destinations for attention seeking individuals, there are always people around you. Especially if you have some serious terminal disease (like, say Cancer), at any given moment there would be at least 2-3 people around you.  This makes you feel very good. It is certainly worth the money you pay. You will never get that kind of attention in any 5-star hotel - for example how many hotels would actually offer you full body sponging with anti-bacterial soap? 

Dog Chasing The Car

"I am like a dog chasing cars, I wouldn't know what to do with one if I caught it...", says the Joker in movie The Dark Knight. Comics, for whatever they are worth, always have cheesy statements that reflect the life we live.  Indeed we are all like dogs chasing the cars, without really knowing what we would do if we really caught one.

To prove this hypothesis, I did a random sampling survey. I asked 10 of my friends (yes,  I do have friends and yes they are more sane than I am), to describe what is their ultimate goal in life. One said, "happiness", I asked her to describe what that meant. It turned out to be a house in the mountains. Several others described financial security as the ultimate goal  (NOTE: Some of the participants are criminally rich within their societal context, earning lot more than average salaries in respective countries). I asked them what would they do if they indeed get that. Not one of them had good answer.  Few commented their goal to be able to spend more time with their children - not sure if the children wanted them in house all the time for spending time, either. It turned out from my survey that many of us are really chasing something without knowing what that something is.  

The worst state all of us could be is in not realizing that we are chasing. We are accelerating to catch the light, running meetings by roadside, worried over portfolio evaluation. During the entire life, we are simply chasing one thing or other - and if you are rich enough, chasing after people so that they can chase what you want. Now the realization alone is not enough, even Joker had that. Doing something about it after you realize it, is important. As the argument goes, there are two kinds of people, one who are running because they enjoy it and others who are chasing the runners because they want to keep up!

I guess the important lesson here is to buy better running shoes, whether one is chaser or runner,  one still has to run!

Power of Imagination

My son recently argued with me that he never really wants to grow up. Bit worried, I asked him why - after all my retirement plan was based on his ability to grow and get out of my house! His argument was very simple, he told me that he is afraid that he might loose his power of imagination if he grows up.  For some reason he seemed to think that adults don't really have imagination powers (being young child he hasn't met lot of investment bankers yet!).  He went on explaining how he can imagine super hero toys talking to him or his friends donning various costumes and 'imagining' that they are some kind of heroes and so on. He has not seen any adults doing that, so he never wanted to be an adult.  Deceptively simple logic - of course one could excuse any rational adult human for not wearing tight clothing and not being a super hero with underpants on outside. Nevertheless he had a valid point.  

Is it true that as adults we tend to be more rational than necessary? At a times it almost seems like. Our ability to imagine is limited to fantasizing about some not-so-childish-activities with the popular movie/super hero (or heroine as the case may be).  Is it true that we adults can not see the different picture than is presented to us? Perhaps it is better that we do not "imagine" things. I am not sure where I would land if I let my imagination wander. As adults the thoughts and ideas are more profound and are not limited to being a person that can fly while showing underwear.  I think it is part of the growing up that we limit ourselves to contextual imagination - not wandering around. Creative people and scientists could argue in favour of thinking new ideas, but large majority - I am sure could do without it.  After all how much imagination you would want to have to pull you through your daily life? Too much of it and you are ready for white clothes, bed and male nurses in mental hospital, too little of it and your mind is fatigued at the end of the day. The key is having enough power of imagination to survive the life and perhaps make some money out of it - be it fantasizing about movie star or an idea that gives you better job! But not really loose it.

I told my son that one never really looses the power of imagination, as one becomes adult, one simply learns how to make money from it. I am sure he will learn that in due course, after all it is one thing to imagine about being a super hero and another to sell super hero toy collectibles on eBay. 

Make The Peace

In my journey to spirituality, I came across the opinions of the "great" guru on Death. The guru explained how and what of death and why it is important part of the "circle of life" and so on. Apparently the guru has never seen Tuck Everlasting, he might have changed his story to, "would you like to live forever?". In any case, I realized that in ordinary world, thinking about death is next to impossible. If we plan our small life with the view of death, we would be forever sad and worried. In effect, not enjoying the life as such. We plan for several things, how to loose weight in next 4 weeks - and get into affair with the hottest lady in gym (yeah right!), how big a pension I should have, do I have sufficient petrol in my car, and so on - with very little thought about would it really matter, if let us say you die tonight? What if the life you had so far is all the life you would ever have and that's about it? If one keeps thinking about such thoughts, it would be impossible to enjoy the moment. And this is important part of the life, enjoying the moment (and yes also watching TV, that comes next!).  

In many tribal areas of India, death is known as something that allows one to make peace with oneself. The dead person is referred to as, "he made peace with himself". This is very unique way of accepting the inevitability of death. You fight with so called "fate", "destiny", "circumstances" and occasionally with your wife (!), but eventually you make peace with yourself when you die.  You are at peace with the world, no more fidgeting, postponing the meetings, or delaying the budgetary decisions. You die and make the peace! 

Of course several other things can be done without making the peace, but then what is life for?

Spirituality Beacons

Spirituality has now become a lucrative business. Any person with some profound thoughts about life of human beings could record his/her messages and distribute using electronic media and voila! you are the next guru. For a week I worked at a rather distant office and was required to spend 1.5hrs of "awakening" in commute. I listened to the recorded messages of one such self proclaimed guru and his anecdotes about life in general.  I listened to "lion and elephant" fable. I heard about duality and how it is preventing me from cleansing my soul. I was introduced to new yoga that I must include as part of my daily life. I heard about how sex is a form of recognizing the duality in human species. I also heard about how to do "inner management", which apparently is different than "external management" that we pretend to do in our daily lives. 

All this was a new knowledge to me. I thought spirituality is something that you do when you retire (or live long enough to retire) Or are old enough when ogling at Internet porn is too much of effort. I clearly had no idea about so called duality in human nature. The only duality I knew was the one in mathematics and that too not well as my grades proved (rather consistently!). 

I did not know that my soul was trying hard to break free from daily stress that I put up with and requires a full-time guru and set of yoga positions to manage. Boy this spirituality is a serious business - if you decide to follow it. 

Among other things I realized I have too much stress in my life. For example, fights at work place, world peace, terrorism and my wife (not related, two different stresses, just so that there is no confusion!). I also realized that I must do several meditations and advanced programs in certain type of yoga to keep my soul cleansed from all this stresses. The sheer thought of doing something of this magnitude caused my stress levels to go up. I had to calm myself and engage in a deep thought of starting this journey. Red wine, consumed in enough quantities also facilitated the thought process. 

I think cleansing my soul is a right thing to do, I might just change the yoga positions with enough quantities of red wine. There is evidence in Hindu mythology of using alcohol to support the process. 

Hence fourth, I will be a changed man. I will no longer look upon female of the species as sex objects. I will instead search for the duality within them - even at the cost of spending more time with them. I will not hate morons, instead I will recognize that their souls are not cleansed enough - I will encourage them to do so, at a times at cost of my wine.  I will not blame others for my problems, instead will strive for inner management (and perhaps become problem for others!).  Spirituality beacons and here I come...

Year of Blogging

OK I took long time off from blogging. Several people pointed out that the articles are not posted for almost 5 months now. Some people got little worried about my health etc. - and I heard some people also celebrated, of course they did not know their happiness was short lived. A new year has started and here I am, back with my bad English and opinions on everything that is happening on the small planet of Earth. I am going to take blogging seriously now. I recently came across Christian Lander's Blog about white people which got published in book. Blogging is probably better career option and mechanism to change people on this planet. I wish I could meet some beautiful girls this way - wishful thinking, but again everything is possible in this modern world. It has not happened after so many years of blogging, but that is not to say it will not happen..

This year I am planning not to travel too much. I am hoping that most of my frequent flyer miles and hotel stays will carry me through this year. After all if you earn them better use them. Another resolution I made this year is to focus on my health (!). I have joined a gym. I am planning to spend enormous amount of money on my "training", just to hide my guilt of not doing regular exercise and not following the diet. I guess at the end of this year I will have good knowledge about why my current weight is the best weight at this age.

Although not all my goals for this year are unachievable, I also have some that I think I will achieve. For example, I have planned to be more emotionally intelligent this year. According to my niece - a part time psychologist and part time Spanish instructor ( a career combination only psychologists can justify!), it is very easy to have emotional intelligence - have empathy for other people. I am developing this skill.
For example, I no longer smile when my wife starts crying watching a mushy movie - instead I empathize with her about the bad movie! I no longer get upset about my son watching violent cartoon on TV, I watch it with him - again I empathize. Given this track record, I think I will be able to make it this year.
I also plan to drink better coffee than last year - a coffee shop at work helps!
I will keep sharing how it goes through my blogs - and yes I will be more prolific than before, at least expect one post a month.
People can remember 2009 as a year of change in the world, some people argue it is year of economical downturn, while others keep trudging along; for me this is year of blogging. A goal set and achieved!

Programmed Life

In Hindu religion the life is assumed to be governed by the God. Anything that happens to you is supposed to be written fate by the God. This could be dangerous affair. I mean if there is one God then you are at mercy of his/her whim - on the other hand if you have millions of Gods (like Hindu mythology leads us to believe) then life is like Open Source program with community of geeks committing to the source!
You are never sure if what is happening to you is by design or some bug in the programming.

For example, people you met in your school days or college days, who you never want to see again, meet you at some chance encounter. Is this by design ("it is meant to be") or just a programming mistake ("coincidence")? I am never sure.

In my college days I had crush on several girls. But I never wanted to meet them after the college was over. I did not keep in touch with any of them, I even avoided the college reunions, in the fear that I might meet with some oversize girl that I thought was goddess in the college days - shattering images in my mind. It would be a great disappointment to meet the erstwhile "Miss Chamko" of size zero now with size ninety four, five children and an apologetic husband. I am sure the girls are thinking same thing or maybe not, they do turn up for reunions in hoards - I am told.

But more importantly are we supposed to meet the people from the past that you thought would get lost somewhere in this wide world? I always thought that people you meet in one part of life should not be entering in other part of your life. The remote acquaintances of childhood are not supposed to be coming back and meeting you in the young age or even worse when you are old.
If you meet the classmate you had crush on, later in the life, then the whole fabric gets disturbed. You are thinking of parallel universes and what would have happened kind of things, it all is very overwhelming. The entire model of human mind is programmed to believe in other program called life. If there is a problem in that program rest of the programs do malfunction or go in a repetitive loop.

I thought that was always the programming of the life - if there is one! You pass the people, places and things on time dimension and you are done. Except some obnoxious remotely related uncle or aunt from yesteryear telling you how you were soling your pants in childhood, the people from past should disappear somewhere else. After all the world is wide enough place.

The events that we generally think are disruptive, fateful, agonizing are either programmed or semantic mistakes during programming. As Master Oogway said, "There are no accidents", ....in the programmed life.

Live with Hope

Another day, my friend exhorted me to have hope. People always tell me to have hope, as if it is important for cancer patients to be hopeful. I told my friend that these are merely false hopes, but she was persistent. I wonder how false hopes of your longevity can help you living better life now. We hope for better salary, better life style, better partners, more happiness, etc. It becomes like a 'Mission' statement in consulting-speak (for the uninitiated: Mission is something you strive for!), something that you strive for but never achieve.
Hope is of little help when there is certainty about death or birth for that matter. It is a disillusion.

Humans are funny animals, we like to believe in things, we think we can actually change the arrangement of world and can predict what can happen in future. Unfortunately it is all a big illusion. Illusion that qualifies as a life style, we hope one day things would be better and in that hope we make our present miserable.

I argue in the favor of pessimism and think that hope is a useless feeling that perpetuates illusion. I have several proof points, I hoped to marry with Aishwarya Rai, never materialized. I hoped to have extramarital affair with Kareena Kapoor, she did not even come and meet me. At one point of time, I even hoped to be the richest man in the world. I can go on, all this proves the point that "hoping" is not really good for you. You can hope for good life all your life and not have any!

Ignoring hope, I trust the "be happy in the moment" life style. It is easier to achieve and heck, lot less to think about. Don't hope, be happy, would be my life style statement. It takes away the disillusion of future, it helps you to see life in a perspective. It lets you appreciate what a miracle life is. It makes you realize that your existence is very fragile, temporary and precious and perhaps needs more attention now than hoping for a future state that, as a matter of fact, will not arrive.

My friend argued that you could never live without hope. In some sense I agree. There is always a hope that Aishwarya may not get along well with Abhishek...

Singular Life

I have some friends who are committed monogamous. I always find it interesting, how somebody can live without having routine "bedtime" that comes parceled with marriage.
When you are single, you miss two important things that come with committed partnership, free sex with same partner and frustration that comes with it :-)

But before people start writing me about my rather 'liberal' views of single life, let me concede that there are several advantages(!) of marriage too, notably, the overbearing in-laws, demanding children, regular need to cook breakfast and food for 'family', and joint accounts which your other half regularly empties, taking your partner's car to servicing and so on.

It is always a struggle of have's and have-not's between married and single people. Married people desire what single people have (i.e. better sex life) and single people always want what they think married people have (i.e. free sex). I remember an old joke when my doctor, during the cancer treatment asked me about my sex life, and I said I am married, I don't have one!

Both have pros and cons of course, but I believe Single people have most fun in their lives. They can date whoever they like, they can go around the world and not worry about 'people waiting at home', they can spend their own money and not worry about somebody else overdrawing their accounts, and best of all they can overcook their own food. Married people on the other hand are butt of all jokes and are always at receiving end.
Married people age faster (I recently was called "Uncle"), worry about their future since the children invariably dump them and are constantly reminded of their bad physique.

I have not seen any single people in my acquaintance, ever aging. They are always young and athletic, whereas married people I know (men and women) are always pot belied or oversize. I am sure there is evolutionary reason for single people to remain attractive, but all said, who wouldn't want to remain handsome till the very end? You marry you loose the focus!

Single life has other advantages too (well less significant than the sex part but important for consideration), e.g. freedom of expression, in married life if you are man you get yelled at for not having social skills, if you are women you are looked down for your choice of mushy movies. When you are single you can do both, burp openly while watching a mushy movie.

Some of my single friends rue that they do not have their own family or they are lonely, obviously they don't know how lonely it becomes for a married person every single moment!
At a times it is nice to have somebody around to fuss about, but by and large "having family" is an overrated myth. Having family simply means bigger expense account. People could write books about 'Marriage Rocks', clearly they don't know what it means to be single!

I envy my single friends, they have all the fun in their lives, it is quite a Singular life they lead while we Plurals watch from sideways!

No Loyalty

Many times people ask you trivial questions as part of social interaction, i.e. "who is your favorite star?" or "who is your favorite author" and so on. I could never answer it. I simply don't get it. I have NO favorite actor or author that I would die for.

As part of my world cruising duties I stumble upon several so called "deities" of the modern world. My wife really envies me for that (at least one thing that keeps her awake :-)). In the lounges, I get to see Sharmila Tagore, Rahul Bose, Shahid Kapoor and likes up close. Being illiterate about film stars in India, I don't necessarily know them but given the flutter they cause in otherwise boring airport lounges, it is easy to spot that there is something 'special' (in non-sexual manner !) about them. I then generally ask the attendant or the stewardess about these 'people', and they exclaim "Oh don't you know? He is XXXX !" - insulting my general knowledge and pitying me at the same time. In all circumstances, I never felt that I should go and disturb their privacy and ask for a photograph or a signature. I liked the movie, "Pyar Ke Side Effects", I also liked Rahul Bose's work in it, but that does not mean I am a great fan and would die for his autograph.

My wife gets all excited, "You saw Bipasha Basu, and couldn't even take her autograph? What's wrong with you?"
All I could tell her was, in real life she does not appear that sexy, and not my type really!

It is very difficult for me to be a loyal fan of somebody or some concept. Having strong conviction about something is quite different than being loyal fan of something. I read so many books, but haven't found the author that I would love most. Many times I meet the authors, but none give me goose bumps. This happens all around, living in India, I am still not a fan of any special cricketer, not follower of any politician, no actor that I would like to identify with and no buxom babe that I would want to watch again and again.

I wonder why that happens, is it natural for learned men or it is simply a "trust and loyalty" problem that I have? Perhaps it is both.

I sure hope my wife does not read this blog, not being loyal might give her some ideas too !

Packed Bags

My Stupid little life
Is all I have to show.
Where is the road of reward
That was meant to be?

Yet why should I weep?
The Gifts of eyes and ears-
Are mine, unto me,
To seize Creation with.

In a world full of music,
I really can't say
That God sent me down
With my bag unpacked.

- A pill for soul ache, from The Idiot's Prayers

... most appropriate. From a bedside commodity book in Hotel Room, called "The Book of Prayer" which exhorts all occupants of the room to pray to the Almighty in different languages and styles. An entity and a belief which explains everything from why fuel prices are going up to why there are traffic jams in Bangalore.
In Delhi last week, the cab driver gave me book of "Prajapita Brahmakumari", and told me that the world is going to come to end in 2012, so I better be prepared and start saving my soul right now. I also read that according to Mayan Civilization calculations it is indeed end of the world or closer. And of course several religious predictions and other reasons of "world coming to en end" are around. While so many doomsday predictions are going around, all I have to say, is The God (if exists) has sent me in this world with Packed Bags, I had fun and I am ready for next journey :-)

Generator Town

Every time I visit Gurgaon I get a feeling that I am leaving in a b-grade sci-fi movie. An isolated town where people generate their own electricity, live in sky scrapers, cruise using space rockets (uncannily looking like Safaris, and Innovas) and where oxygen is sparse and muncipalities charge citizens for breathing it.

Otherwise touted as "The Millenium City" was a small farming town on the periphery of Delhi. During the late 90's real estate boom, Haryana Urban Development bought tracks of agricultural lands and developed into what is toda'y 6th largest city in India with population of 22Lacs (2001). I recall the days in 1992 where I was one of the several visiting business folks to Delhi, Gurgaon used to have lush green farms and was popular for farm house investments. Today Gurgaon is city of malls. It is almost like a city inside the malls. There are malls of all types, Indian, "Phoren" and malls that offer everything for the "middle class". The construction boom in Gurgaon is still at its height. New sky scrapers are being built for new companies to come in. Most of the glass building (read criminal copying of western architecture in electricity starved country!), shine in the afternoon Sun glare.

It is difficult to see beyond 100 meteres due to smog during any time of the day. Haryana state did make Jat farmers rich by buying their land but failed to provide basic amneties like electricity. Every building runs its own generator. There are power cuts of 12 hours in the town, sky scrapers of 18 floors can't survive without having private generation of electricity. The flat owners pay upto Rs. 10000/- per month for private electricity. The current short fall is 500 Mw per day! The diesel consumption for electricity generation in Gurgaon is more than consumption for vehicles. Every shop worth its salt has a generator out on the street. A continuous hum of generators greets you in the market place or in shops. The smoke generates very high density of smog which obstructs the view even from the tallest building in the town.

The lush green fields have now become construction places, the tractors of Jat farmers have now been replaced by big cars which they drive at the speed of sound, the farm houses have been replaced with sky scrapers and clear sky with diesel smoke.

A small vilalge of Guru Dronacharya in Hindu Mythology has now become a Generator Town, complete with its own 'country made' smog !

Theme Park Horror

Vacation time !! After one year, I had a week long vacation in the classical theme park nightmare of USA. Yes the same one, Disneyland. While my son enjoyed it to the tee and my wife still has lost her brain on one of those upside down roller coasters, it is going to be a vacation to remember.
I never thought first hand interaction with harmless characters like Mickey Mouse could be so devastating. After first two days of Disneyland I started getting dirty dreams about cartoon characters. I almost decided to spend more time with Jenna Jameson in hotel room for adult only entertainment. Trust me, a visit to Disneyland could actually get you addicted to cheesy HBO movies in hotel room.
The capitalism in land of plenitude is blatant and some times terrifying. Every theme park we went to had shows which had exits in the shop. The general idea being as you exist watching Buzz Lightyear show, you would want to buy a plastic image of him. A compelling set of consumers a.k.a Children, and lot of "Made in China" cheap plastic toys ensure that you have to buy one more bag on your return journey. This disease is spread throughout the theme park world as we know it. The Universal was same and so was the Kennedy Space Center. I would imagine some of these theme parks may actually would have their sustenance dependent on this kind of tourist business.

After 5 days of visiting everybody from Mickey Mouse to Shamu the killer whale, I no longer have a desire to be entertained. I have stopped watching TV, I barely read the newspaper, I did not linger on Jenna Jameson's official website. I think I am almost close to becoming a workaholic person again.

In all fairness, I could still live with horror dreams about work place (what's worse that could happen? printer eating people?) than nightmares about theme parks (yes, imagine Mickey Mouse eating tourists sitting on one of those crazy roller coasters... Arghhhhhhhhhh!)

Small Luxuries

Recently I got promoted on my frequent flyer program of an airlines. In little ironic but interesting grading system, I am now a Platinum member of this program. An inevitable thing if you travel too much. I have been round this bend before, over period of my short life I have been, 'Gold' and 'Platinum' Member of Airline programs, 'Diamond' member of hotel priority club, carried my 'Golden Passport' (which is really a plastic card of golden color), 'Senator' member or 'Silver Crest' club member of international airlines, 'Gold' member of car renting companies and so on. I think I am kind of gullible person who actually falls for this kind of harmless marketing.

Many of these program do not offer anything tangible; an airline frequent flyer gets more free passages to exotic destinations in adverts but in reality to achieve that status you have to fly to US and back to India every other day of your life. Some time back an European airline offered me free stay and a redemption gift ('flash light that works as a radio' - in case the flight crashes and I get marooned on a remote island - yeah right!). Airline frequent flyer status has some practical advantages, such as easy access to the lounges - which are primarily created to show the gaps in rich and poor in extremely capitalist airports. The prolonged stays at hotels gets you a preferential room and some times a fluffy teddy bear with name of the hotel on it. Couple of times I tried to pass these gifts to others, but the brand labels always get you.

For a long time I did not actually bought into this loyalty programs, but then my yet-to-be-wife at the time, reminded me of intangible benefits of these things - i.e. walking into priority check-in lane, or getting bigger rooms at hotel, and I was kind of hooked. Over next several years, I practically signed for any program of any commercial merchandiser that was on offer. Now I am loyalty club member of couple of grocery shops in US, bookshops in Frankfurt and India, at least 5 airlines, 4 different hotel chains and a Chinese eatery at Singapore airport. Similarly my wife has loyalty cards for several malls in the city and outside.

I particularly like the respect which these companies treat their loyal customers. It does not translate into anything significant but the operators at check-in counters are more friendly than necessary, some times they make an attempt at remembering your choices, provide a tiny bit of preference over other customers. These things are gratifying enough for generally downtrodden people like me. Few days ago I was flying on domestic sector and just before take-off, the air hostess came to me and gave me ear plugs, I thanked her and asked how come I get this favor; she informed me that 'they' knew the preferences of frequent flyers... cool! In Europe, I checked in earlier than the arrival time and front desk was apologetic that they could not get a bigger room for regular customer like me - in ordinary circumstances hotels would not even allow you to check-in before the time. When I achieved my first 'Platinum' status, getting free breakfast at the hotel was an attraction, then the rooms at top floors.

Separate check-in queues, people trying to remember your preferences, easier upgrades, these are indeed insignificant things and only pathetic people like me actually go for it - but then what is life without small luxuries?

The Laws that Actually Govern the Universe

After my operation in 2006, I got hooked onto Roger Penrose’s The Road To Reality, a book about generally neglected subject of Mathematics. This book is not for invalids or people with weak hearts, at 1049 pages (the bibliography is of 30 odd pages), it takes lot of patience to get through the book. Of course, in my case I had nothing important to do in those days, so it was easy way to forget other body pains.

Once in my school career I actually failed in Mathematics, and for rest of my life, it seems, the subject would puzzle me – and some times amuse. Simple mathematical notions like equivalence class (deals with fractions for the uninitiated) which govern the elementary maths are indeed never explained in school. I recently started explaining some basic concepts to my son around maths - and miserably failed.

I was surprised by the fact that the notion of Mathematical truth (Platonic or otherwise) is not even explained in the schools and colleges. It takes Rs. 810/- and really bulky book to read and understand it. I also realized that several things about maths were not known to me in this age and times. Usually complex sounding concepts like, Canonical quantum gravity, well.. are indeed complex, but make good reading. Especially when it comes to some Indian names (e.g. Abhay Ashtekar in 1986, simplified the equations of general relativity - yes from famous Einstein). While Penrose tries hard to explain the beauty of the mathematics, I think the book is more important for a casual reader to understand the subject of maths. Of course there is quite a bit of Physics in the book (Penrose is a Physicist), and that makes 1049 pages more interesting.

Another book I recently acquired is Stephen Hawking's God Created the Integers - a book describing the history of the mathematics (1160 pages - another example of my courage). The book does not necessarily has lucid description of mathematical concepts, but indeed brings out the fun in the lives of Greek mathematicians. e.g. Archimedes's servants got him against his will to the baths OR that when Diophantus died his friend left a puzzle describing his lifetime. Certain historical facts like Laplace was the teacher of certain Corsican called Napoleon Bonaparte, make the book interesting read (it also proves the fact that studying of maths with great mathematicians is not necessarily a good thing - something that may set you on a wrong path of geography and you spend your retirement in rather protected environment)

These books do not particularly make me maths genius but it certainly helps in knowing that several mathematicians and physicists with their lifetime of research and bulky books and noble prizes haven't been able to find the road to reality OR laws that actually govern the universe - just like me. And I do that without lot of effort or tussled hair.