Monday, January 15, 2007

Deodorant Terrorist


The airline security becomes more and more stupid (I think there was a phrase about dumb and dumber). Yesterday travelling domestic, I was required to trash by deodorant and aftershave and toothpaste. Apparently the security took me for somebody who can cause sufficient damage with a can of deodorant, some aftershave and tiny travel pack toothpaste. I practically felt like a high flying terror suspects using chewing gum as explosives. This was my moment of glory and I was not going to let it go. I ask the public servant (aka CISF - your safety is our concern!), the challenge with scanning my handbag. He does not like people questioning his authority, besides he has his orders. Ok.. using my stubborn Indian attitude, I want to meet his supervisor. Supervisor is very emphatic in describing that security is the foremost concern. I agreed, after all I was the one who was flying, not these uniformed public servants. However he could not answer logically for banning the deodorant. I used my final tact, and started talking in Hindi, but my suit wouldn't allow him to talk in Hindi. He sticks to 'propah' English. By this time I am getting little frustrated, after all this was an issue of personal hygiene. I was going to stay for a day and I am used to living in land of deodorants, like Rohinton Mistry's characters, BO was not in scheme of things. All I saw was despair and disaster facing me. The officer still is scrutinizing the bag.
I said, 'Do you really think if I had something interesting in there, I would have argued with you so much?, C'mon be serious'. He is serious.
'We have orders and we are just doing our duty, and this is for your safety.'
'Do your orders say that AXE Deodorant is dangerous for passengers?' I thought for a moment that he took the Ads for AXE rather seriously (and probably has never heard of 11th commandment).
'Couldn't you read the board? You look like a person who can read. It says no gels or liquid'
'Ok but you scanned *this* liquid, if it would have been pressurized nerve gas and I was playing my presumed terrorist role, I would have spread it by now!'
'We have orders and we are just doing our duty, and this is for your safety.'
'Ok, once again, explain to me how combination of AXE Deodorant, Anchor Toothpaste and Nivea Aftershave lotion can be dangerous to flying public?' Apparently I was missing a great deal and using this deadly explosive combination for several years... in the hindsight this explains my
cancer. Tired and frustrated, knowing my plot of causing sensation in fellow human beings regarding my personal hygiene has been foiled, I took out my terror equipments and trashed them. The officer is happy, I am happy and the world at large is far safer than it was before. The moment I landed, the first stop was buy a new deodorant. However while returning I was more blatant in displaying it and apparently not everybody in CISF is that worried about deodorant brandishing terrorists (read sensible blokes).
This episode was revealed number of things to me, such as why all terrorists have long berds (no need of after shave), why Osama uses goat shit as deodorant (there is no security restrictions on carrying your pet goat with you, but carry a deo from the supermarket and you are busted) and why terrorists have to live in cave (nobody cares about the breath). The experienced terrorists have learnt that using things like deo, aftershave can actually get them on the security radar. The aspiring terrorists like me, on the other hand, make these silly mistakes and get caught.
Anyway lesson learnt, no more deo for me when travelling, and if it bothers the fellow passengers, so be it, it is for their own safety. The al-Qaidas of the world are going to miss me but deo-free, safer world is better world.

2 comments:

Unknown said...

The secret!!!

It is now in the open! OMIGOSH!

Unknown said...

got inspired:

http://gaizabonts.wordpress.com/2007/01/16/romance-of-travel-ii/